Good Advice

February 18, 2011   •   By   •   Comments 1

Recently happened upon some good advice:

If there is something you want to do that you don’t have time for, you need to do less of something else.

Man does this ring true for me. There are a million things I want to do that I know would nourish me and make me so happy yet I can never “find” the time. The concept of “making” the time by consciously choosing to do less of other things is so obvious and simple yet never occurred to me. I always think I will do these things in some fantasy future-time, when all my dishes are done and miraculously stay done, the baby takes 3-hour naps (or is in school, ha!), etc etc etc. But the truth is that life will always be like it is now, with a lot of commitments, a lot of little things on the to-do list, and a household that needs my love and attention. I need to take a good hard look at how I spend my time and decide what I am going to do less of. Then I will have time to do more, and to be more.

Upping the happiness quotient

January 24, 2011   •   By   •   Comments 1

I went through a phase this fall of feeling very wanty a lot of the time. I hate that, especially because at my core I am really interested in reducing consumption, being happier with less stuff, and living simply. But every once in a while I catch the consumerist bug and it drives me crazy until one day I wake up and feel normal again. I don’t satisfy this bug with lots of purchasing, partly because the single-income budget does not allow for such indulgence, but also because of the minimalist values mentioned above. (Yes, even in the haze of want want want I can still find a minute to actually think–a lesson learned, no doubt, from a lot of stupid purchases made when I was younger. Many of which were returned, but still, what a huge waste of time and energy!)

Anyway, the backlash from my wanty phase this past fall is that lately I’m feeling very ascetic. Like, I don’t want to buy anything at all. I just want to get rid of stuff and pare down and spend my time doing other things besides contemplating all of the material goods I could own. I’m also feeling a strong desire to have more leisure in my life. I’m typically a go go go kind of person, yet am also strangely unproductive. It makes no sense. So I’ve decided to do more of the things I want to do and not worry as much about the stuff I feel like I should do. Certainly some of the should do’s are important and need attention, but I tend to fall into the trap of devoting way too much time to that stuff, most often in an extremely unproductive fashion, and to the exclusion of relaxation and fun. Lame.

This weekend I did some things that made me significantly happier, and didn’t cost me any money. That’s kind of perfect, isn’t it? I thought I’d share these things with you in the hopes that you either identify with me or get inspired to find more happiness in your life as it is now.

  1. Painted my nails (and my toenails, but that hardly merits mention as painted toes are de rigueur por moi).
  2. Organized our bookshelf and purged the unwanted or unused books.
  3. Put three books on hold for myself at the local library.
  4. Got started on our taxes. This may not sound fun but it was actually really soothing and gratifying to have an hour to myself to get medical bills and spreadsheets organized. I like being on top of things but am usually doing our taxes at 10pm on April 14th. Reducing my stress level and being proactive = huge win!
  5. Sat down and read a magazine instead of cooking/cleaning/doing laundry. This was especially amazing. I sat in our new Eames chair with a nice snack and just relaxed for an hour without feeling guilty about the housework I wasn’t doing at that moment.
  6. Organized and cleaned out our pantry, which has been a complete disaster since we moved into our house in September.
  7. Organized  and cleaned out our freezer, which was as scary as our pantry. Now I can find stuff, and we have so much more space.
  8. Rearranged some side tables and lamps. Now we have bedside lamps! No night stands yet but who cares when I no longer have to get out of bed to turn off the light when we are done reading at night.

In reviewing this list I realize that some of these things sound like “work,” and that it seems unrealistic that “work” can increase your happiness quotient. But items 2, 6, and 7 have been causing me low-level, constant stress for months. And stress means unhappiness. Every time I walked into our extra bedroom and saw the piles of books on the floor and the bookshelf that was totally disorganized I felt stress. I knew there were books I could sell or donate and that there were other books I had been looking for that were lurking somewhere in the mess. Getting this sorted out took about 30 minutes (I was thinking it would take much longer) and now I feel so much better. No more books on the floor and all the ones on the shelf are arranged by topic so we can easily find what we’re looking for. Same thing for the pantry and freezer. I had been putting off dealing with them because in my mind they became these huge daunting projects (do you do that, too?) and I didn’t know when I’d ever find the time. Turns out that the freezer took about 15 minutes and the pantry about 30 minutes, and both were accomplished while Dylan was awake. Amazing.

Perhaps that biggest thing that upped my happiness quotient, aside from the obvious pampering  and relaxing, is that I feel so empowered by choosing how to spend my time and then committing to that choice, whether it’s painting my nails, reading a magazine, or organizing last year’s medical bills. I’m usually the kind of person with a mile-long to do list and everything on it seems so important that I can’t decide what to do and I’m paralyzed by my need to do the “right” thing, OR, I pick something but can’t really focus or be efficient because I am thinking about all the other things I could (should?) be doing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down to read a book but couldn’t enjoy myself because I felt like I was shirking responsibility. It all comes down to conscious choice, commitment, and focus.

What choices could you make about how you spend your time that would make you happier right now, in your current life? I’m curious if other people engage in some of the same habitual self-sabotaging behaviors that I have. What can you do right now that won’t cost you any money, but that will reduce your stress, help you relax, or bring you happiness?

Musings, and a big-ass goal

January 21, 2011   •   By   •   Comments 2

The second half of last year really wore me down. Well, let’s be honest, the first half did, too. I feel like I spent an entire year not knowing who I was. I forgot how to dream. I wonder, is it possible to ever reach a point in your life when you know exactly who you are, what you are all about, and where you are going? Is that even desirable? I don’t know. I see people who make me think they have got it together, like they never have a moment of crisis or indecision, never need to just sit and stare at a wall for a little while. I want to be one of those people, but I feel like I am still trying to figure out who I am. Now, many people who know me will disagree with this. They will say, “Oh, you are so self-possessed, you know exactly who you are and what you are all about,” but they are just confused because I have opinions about almost everything and am loud. Do my opinions make me who I am? I think not.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, of the soul-searching variety. Like, what do I want to be when I grow up? How do I want to spend my time, what is important to me? What kind of parent do I want to be? And on a more superficial level, should I keep that cute pair of shoes I bought even though I want to be a minimalist (a chic minimalist, mind you) and live simply? These are the things that keep me up at night. Well, these things and my bad habits, but it’s so much easier to blame an overactive mind than bad habits. Much less guilt-inducing.

One of the things I came up with in my soul-searching, or rather, one of the things I returned to, is my lifelong desire to write a book. I have always, for as long as I can remember, wanted to be a writer. I wrote a lot of bad poetry and fiction during the angsty years of adolescence, toyed with the idea of getting an MFA when I was in my twenties, and finally realized that what I really want is to write a memoir. I don’t know how to go about this. I know that I don’t want it to be self-indulgent. I want it to be interesting and to help other people see things in themselves that maybe they have been ignoring or perhaps didn’t even know were there. I thought that I should start by writing short essays about specific events in my life, to help me figure out how to approach the telling of a larger story. To help me figure out what the larger story is. I always get stuck on that part, but I figure maybe I just have not lived long enough to have a story yet…but in many ways that is just a crap excuse. I need to buckle down and just start writing some stuff, because I’ll never get anywhere just by dreaming a lot and being a perfectionist. Maybe I should title my memoir, “Paralyzed by Perfection.”

I listen to The Moth podcast a lot, especially when I am cooking or doing dishes. I imagine that it must be so fun, so satisfying, to tell a story at The Moth. Somehow I came up with the idea that it would be a good exercise for me, in terms of writing and storytelling, to tell at story at one of The Moth StorySLAMS. But then I thought, well, anyone can tell a story at a StorySLAM, all you have to do is have your name picked out of a hat. But then I remembered that the stories are judged and there are winners. So it was decided, and I have a new goal. This might actually be my only goal since most of my other “goals” are really just to-do list items that I am pretending are goals so I don’t have think about what I really want out of life. Anyway, here it is, stated clearly so I can’t fool anyone, or more importantly, fool myself:

I want to tell a story at one of The Moth StorySLAMs in NYC, and win.

This scares me and makes my heart do a little flutter, so I know I’ve hit the target. Brian and I have been talking about dropping Dylan at his grandparents’ house in PA for a few days this summer and going up to NYC to visit friends. I think we need to make this trip a reality and schedule it around a StorySLAM.

I found my summer jam in January

January 9, 2011   •   By   •   Comments 0

So this song came out in June 2010 but I just heard it for the first time last night during the pre-show for “True Grit” at the Alamo. How am I always so behind on this stuff?

Mark Ronson & The Business INTL “Bang Bang Bang”

I don’t know that I was ever really cool or hip or cutting edge but having a baby has somehow made me even more disconnected from pop culture. I guess I can add “be cooler” to my list of non-resolutions this year.

Also, “True Grit” was holy shit fucking rad. If you haven’t seen it you better go while it’s still on the big screen. You will laugh, you will cry, you will be like, wow. The star of the movie was only 13 when it was filmed and this is her first film, she’s amazing, the whole cast is amazing and the film is just beautiful and fantastic and Coen-y. You will love it.

What's in a resolution?

January 6, 2011   •   By   •   Comments 1

There is always a lot of talk about resolutions at this time of year. It’s like we think because it’s a new year then things can be different, we can be different. But January 1st is just another day, and any day you can wake up and decide to do things differently. I confess that I have always loved having my birthday on New Year’s Day, simply because of the whole idea of the fresh start of a new year. I think, this year things will be different, I will finally transform myself into the person I want to be! Of course it usually doesn’t play out that way. The most life-changing decisions come at unremarkable times, sparked by circumstances and events rather than a calendar day. When I think of the most important changes I’ve consciously made in my life, the truth is that none are particularly romantic or dramatic, or happened in a single day. Who wants to hear about that? Or think about the reality that true change in who you are, or the life you have, usually takes effort, or at least some thought, on a daily basis. I haven’t made any official resolutions this year because the past few years my resolutions have been more like to do lists hovering over my head and nagging me to be better better better. I don’t want to feel bad about myself or my decisions, even though I do want to be better. I don’t want another item on my to do list, or another list of things that seem impossible to accomplish or just stress me out.

If I had to pick a resolution for this year it would be: ACCEPTANCE. For me, acceptance is more of a life lesson than something that is reasonable to accomplish in a year or check off a list, but I like the idea of holding that thought close and letting it shape my days.

Also: have more fun! This one doesn’t need any explaining, and if you think it does, then it should probably be on your list, too.

Late to the party

December 22, 2010   •   By   •   Comments 2

Ever since I quit my job to take care of Dylan I have been out of the loop. I wasn’t super on top of what’s cool when I was working, but now it’s comical how out of touch I am. I find out about stuff months after it’s had its moment and then I email links to Brian and am all DID YOU SEE THIS IT’S SO COOL and he’s like oh, I thought you saw that, it’s old, it was big on Twitter. Sigh.

Two recent examples of me being late to the party are below. I am posting them in the off chance that there is someone even less connected than me who might appreciate these lovely bits of the Internet.

The Wilderness Downtown, Chris Milk’s interactive film music video thing. I knew what it was going to be and I still cried because I am emotional like that. Go do it if you haven’t already! (Yeah, I know, you did it months ago when it was all over Twitter.)

Christoph Niemann’s NY Times blog. It’s almost painful that one person could be endowed with so much talent, nevertheless, I am grateful. This made me cry, too, because it’s that funny.

Monday

December 20, 2010   •   By   •   Comments 1

shadow

2-day weekends feel like the government’s way of punishing us. For what, I don’t know. It’s inhumane.

Today Dylan only napped long enough for me to paint my toenails. Which means that I didn’t get any of the other 8,796 things on my to do list done. Priorities, people!

I think I need to wean myself off the Internet at least a little bit. Being alone in the house with the baby so much is making me a little crazy-addicted to checking email and reading blogs and such. And of course this pseudo-connecting doesn’t really assuage the loneliness, it just makes me restless and cranky and I want to do something more tangible.

brussels sprouts

I made Brussels sprouts for dinner. I have hated them all my life and then I decided out of the blue that carmelized Brussels sprouts sounded really good. I remembered a recipe I saw on Heidi’s site a long time ago and I made it for Thanksgiving and now I can’t believe I ever hated Brussels sprouts. They have appeared on our weekly menu three times recently and I still can’t get enough. Yay brassicas!

The short story

December 8, 2010   •   By   •   Comments 2

I suppose I have returned to blogging. Just a little post here or there lately, but I know I am back now. I never meant to take a break from blogging, especially not a 5-month break, but that’s how things turned out and that is okay. I still don’t know what I am doing with this blog, but there are a lot of things I want to do. I am going to try to not get all worked up about it and just see what happens. Let’s fight the good fight against paralyzing type-A perfectionism!

I feel like I owe my few readers some sort of explanation for the sudden disappearance because it always bugs me when a blog I have been enjoying just suddenly stops. There is a long story and a short story. I would like to tell the long story at some point, but for now, the short story is that I was both very busy and also quite depressed. It took a while for me to figure out something was wrong, but I got some help and I am feeling so much better. I sleep at night, have more good days than bad days, and no longer feel like I might be ruining my child by being an awful person. I am finding myself and living my life again, and I am so, so grateful to be doing it.

Repeat after me

December 8, 2010   •   By   •   Comments 0

Me: I can’t believe it, something ate the cauliflower right out of my garden!
Dylan: Garden!

—

Me: C’mon honey, we have to go to the store.
Dylan: Kong!

—

Me: When we are done with snack, we can go play outside.
Dylan: Outside, outside, outside!

—

Me: I think you have a load in your pants, I can smell it.
Dylan: Looooad!

What happens if you really try?

November 15, 2010   •   By   •   Comments 1

One of my CrossFit coaches, Jen Cardella, recently challenged her clients in the Women’s Only program to get their pull-ups before the gym closes for the holidays. The challenge was complete with prizes for the first 20 girls to either get their first kipping pull-up, or (if they already had their kip) five strict pull-ups. I’ve had my pull-ups before so I was unfazed and was like, “Yeah, I’ma get my kip AND five strict! Awww yeah! Bring it!” And then I got up on the bar to really practice for the first time and it was hard. And I remembered that the last time I had my pull-ups was two years ago before I got pregnant. Oh.

I worked on my pull-ups after every class. I got one strict, but that didn’t count for Jen’s challenge and I couldn’t coordinate the kip so I was just annoyed with myself.  Then I took 10 days off and lost my one strict pull-up. I tried to do it at the playground a few times and just couldn’t get up over the bar. Ugh. I went back to class a couple weeks ago, and although I’m not going as often as I wish I were, I’m doing what I can while prioritizing sleep because that is my big project lately. I am trying to be okay with just doing what I can, that’s a revelation for me.

Today I felt sluggish at the beginning of class. I haven’t been in a week and was ready to use that as an excuse for not pushing myself as hard. The workout was tough and made me confront two of my big weaknesses head-on (lifting something heavy over my head and sit-ups, if you’re interested to know). I did it but I felt slow and it wasn’t super fun. I decided to work on my pull-ups after class even though my arms were beat from the workout. I did some negatives and a strict pull-up (complete with ridiculous frog-legs) and then decided to just try a kip and see what would happen. I did not expect to do it. And then something funny happened, it felt good to be up on the bar and practicing my swing so I thought, what if I really try to do a kipping pull-up? Well, I got my kip is what happened. Two in a row, and after a break I got two more. I realized a few things: 1) I was NOT really trying during today’s workout,  2) There are a lot of times when I don’t really try during the workout (or during my life, for that matter), 3) Really trying feels a whole lot better than just kind of trying.

Now, really trying all the time at everything would be crazy. Of course you are not going to bring your A-game all the time no matter what, but how often do you just kind of try at something out of habit, when you have what you need to really try? More intensity is not something I need in my life right now but more honest effort is. So I am going to start approaching things from the perspective that the priorities and goals I set for myself deserve an honest effort. What would happen if you gave a real honest effort to the next challenge that confronts you? Would there be a different outcome than if you half-assed it? Maybe, probably. More importantly, would you feel differently? I’m betting YES. Being honest with yourself is empowering. So if you are going to half-ass something, fine, but don’t pretend like that’s all you’ve got, because if you do you are selling yourself short.

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