Facebook Statuses I Could Have Used But Didn't

Having an iPhone and an hour-long commute each way means I usually check Facebook twice a day. This has caused me to comment on my life in my head, Facebook-status style, ALL THE TIME. Jessica burned her muffin but used extra butter to camouflage the taste, Jessica spent too long in the shower and used up most of the hot water, etc. But the reality is that I don’t update my status all that often. For one thing, half the time I just want to complain and no one wants to read that. And for another, reading and typing on the iPhone while on the bus often makes me feel ill. But I have all these statuses floating around in my head, and they need to be documented so I can use that space for something else. Without further ado, I present a bunch of Facebook statuses I could have used but didn’t.

Jessica…

has taken to rolling around the office in her chair instead of getting up to get a drink, throw something away, etc.

can no longer button her coat all of a sudden. It buttoned just fine this morning. Well, okay, maybe it was a little tight.

has developed an intense allergy to her wedding ring since either moving to Seattle or getting pregnant; not sure which since they happened on the same day.

gets angry a lot easier than before, and is pretty sure it has something to do with living in Seattle. Um, or the pregnancy hormones.

thinks it would be funny, and lately, very appropriate to stick a sign on her head that says, “This space intentionally left blank.”

is still holding out hope that she will one day be a writer, despite the fact that she very rarely writes anything.

procrastinates doing her work and is then stressed out because she has so much work to do.

has never had a job that she really, really loved. White water raft guide is the favorite so far, but even that one had some serious downsides.

feels like if she could just have six months off, she could finally get on top of things.

is laying around in bed cuddling with her dog even though it will make her have to rush and probably be late.

would like to sell all the rugs and get new ones, even though she inherited the current rugs.

sold and gave away some stuff she inherited and doesn’t feel bad about it, but does feel a little guilty sometimes for not feeling bad about it.

does not like cheeseburgers, but likes hamburgers just fine.

is starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, she does have something unique and meaningful to offer the world.

thinks that every time she leaves a job it will be the last job she’ll ever have and that she will finally get to work for herself. So far, no dice.

prefers the smaller half of english muffins because they have better texture.

reads celebrity gossip online a few times a week at least.

sometimes wonders if she really didn’t have to work, if she would actually be able to accomplish all the things she thinks she could.

has a very active daydream life.

sometimes cries because she loves her dog/husband/father/friends so much she can’t stand it (yes this happened even before she got pregnant).

cares about things like having a nice fresh pedicure, well-groomed eyebrows, and neat fingernails.

realizes that everyone’s talents are different yet still finds she has very little patience for people who demonstrate poor grammar and spelling.

is glad that everyone’s talents and interests are different, because there are a lot of things that need doing that she couldn’t or wouldn’t do.

still curses too much, but is getting better at least.

4 Comments

  • Hilarious. I have heard from so many people lately that say they are starting to think in third person since joining facebook. It hasn’t happened to me even though I think I am addicted to status updates.

    I might be a little overboard, but my brothers and I have built a facebook app that turns your facebook status updates into t-shirts! It is called Status King.

    Take a look at the top 25 facebook status updates for today. I would love it if you added a couple of the good ones in this post.

  • Well, this just about compensates for a week’s worth of unleft Facebook status updates… Oooops, I think I just made up a word.

  • I’m with you on the english muffin. Defend comps Tuesday morning from 10-12, & will be available until stats class Tuesday night at 4.

  • F’ing awesome (I too struggle with your last one!). Love it.

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