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Learning How To Relax

Date: June 8, 2009 • By • Comments 0

poolside relaxing

I am finally learning how to relax. The sad truth is that I am just not wired to be good at relaxing, and by “good” I mean being able to really do it at all. Sure, get me on vacation, away from my usual routines, and I’m fine (for the most part), but on a day-to-day basis I struggle. There is always something I feel like I should be doing, progress I should be making, tasks I should be accomplishing. I am ruled by lists. I even have a “someday” to do list for the day when I miraculously finish everything on my regular to do list.

Pregnancy has been helpful for the relaxing, in that I was so sick and exhausted the first trimester that I didn’t have the energy to care about…well, anything really. And now that I’m nearing the end and my energy is dipping again, I’m feeling more laid back about things. Of course there are things that need to be done, and others that I simply want done, before the baby arrives, but I am finding it harder to stress out about them. I think part of this is the heavy realization that every day could be our last day without a baby in our house, so I’m a bit more choosy about how I spend my time and brainpower. This is a more positive variation of the “if you knew you were going to die tomorrow what would you do today” type of thinking.

Yesterday Brian took the whole day off work (he’s been working nonstop lately, trying to finish as much as possible before the baby arrives) and spent it with me. I think the combination of his company and my own realization that the baby could be here any day allowed me to actually relax. We took Cooper to Red Bud Isle for swimming in the morning, and I came home and took a nap. Who naps at 11:00 AM?! I am often tired around that time but never allow myself to lay down; well, yesterday I did and it was spectacular. After fidgeting around for a bit (I just cannot get comfortable these days) I fell asleep and stayed that way for an hour and a half. When I woke up Brian offered to make me some potatoes, which I allowed him to serve to me while I was still in bed. Crazy! That sort of “lazy” behavior is usually categorized as completely unacceptable as far as I’m concerned. After I ate we hit the pool for a while, and then came home and sat on our balcony with Cooper, eating and chatting and just enjoying the day and each other’s company. It felt so good, the whole time I was like, “Why don’t I do this more often? This is awesome!” I had been hoping to go to a free outdoor concert in the evening, but I was too tired so we sat around and ate guacamole and finished getting caught up on our “Friday Night Lights” viewing before turning in early. I think I am on to something, that is what weekends and evenings are supposed to be like. It’s kind of too bad that I’m finally figuring this out now, right before we’re going to have a baby and our lives will be completely turned upside down forever, but I’m too relaxed to get upset about that. Better late than never, right?

Slowing Down

Date: June 2, 2009 • By • Comments 1

I am 10 days away from my due date and I am really slowing down. Big time. The walk that used to take me and Cooper 20 minutes back in March took us 50 minutes last night. The main reason it took so long is because I was having a lot of cramps – contractions? – and had to keep stopping to breathe through them; this morning we did the same walk in about 35 minutes, but I was so tired afterward that I had to sit down and eat about a quarter of a large watermelon. I have less of my usual “get up and go” everyday, and I get less done. The extreme drop in my productivity (which, admittedly, was never high) has been frustrating, but on many days I’m so tired that I almost don’t even feel guilty about the things I’m not accomplishing. Being forced to slow down and let things go is incredible therapy for me.

I realized when looking at the calendar last night that I’m due to have this baby at the end of next week. The end of next week! Even though it’s qualified by “the end of,” simply using the phrase “next week” to talk about when the baby is due kind of freaks me out. I tried it on Brian and it freaks him out, too. This morning he confessed that when I returned home from my walk last night and sat down in the middle of the floor complaining of cramps/contractions and saying I just couldn’t get comfortable, he had an OH SHIT moment. Like, we’re not ready for this! When I asked him what we could do to make it so that he does feel ready, his response was: Nothing. (I knew that was coming.)

I will state now, for the record, that I don’t think the baby will arrive on his due date. This probably ensures that he will be right on time, thus proving me wrong, but my gut feeling is that he’ll be around 5 days late. I’m really digging myself a hole, being so specific, but, it is what it is. I can’t help my gut feelings! I should mention that my gut feelings could be colored by the fact that I want him to be a little late, and not just so I have more time to be all Type A about my to do list. I am still not as fat as I want to be, and at last week’s prenatal visit Scottie (our midwife’s amazing apprentice) said she thought the baby was small, probably only around 6 lbs. So, it would be nice if he could stay inside a little longer and give us both more time to get large.

The end is near, though, no matter how you look at it. We will have a baby sometime in the next month or so, no matter what, and that is a really strange thought. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever, other times I feel like it has gone by so fast and it was only yesterday that we were leaving the east coast on our big cross-country adventure. I’m trying so hard to slow the passage of time and enjoy these last few weeks with Brian and Cooper, with the baby on the inside where I can protect him from everything, but more and more I do find myself looking forward. I can imagine so clearly what it will be like to hold him for the first time, and am constantly fantasizing about snuggling into bed with Brian, Cooper, and the baby after the birth. I am also fantasizing about getting back into my old clothes, but that topic deserves its own post.

One of the best parts about nearing the end of my pregnancy is that I am finally starting to let go of all the expectations I had about how I would do it (journaling everyday and taking lots of documentary photos, running and working out through my whole pregnancy, eating perfectly, etc.). It’s a really wonderful thing to forgive myself for not being Pregnant To The Max! and just appreciate the pregnancy I’ve had and how I’ve handled the ups and downs of it. I know it’s not true for everyone, but for me, the process of being pregnant and starting that transition into motherhood has been exactly what I’ve needed to start becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be on a more basic level. Not that I think I’ll be perfect and happy with myself all the time once I’m a mom, but I already feel more at ease with myself, and more content with my life, than I ever have before.

257 Days Pregnant

Date: May 20, 2009 • By • Comments 0

I weighed myself at my chiropractor’s office earlier this week, and there is a discrepancy between her scale and the midwife’s scale. At my last midwife visit two weeks ago, I weighed 123 lbs, and at the chiropractor two days ago, I weighed 129.5 lbs (for reference, I was roughly 103 lbs before becoming pregnant). Now, we know I didn’t gain 6.5 lbs in less than two weeks, but this means it’s possible that I’m not nearly as bad as off as we thought in terms of my overall weight gain. The lack of weight gain between my last two midwife visits is still an issue, but it might not be as big of an issue as we thought. I’ll be curious to see what Michele’s scale says at my check up tomorrow, especially since I’m more inclined to believe the chiropractor’s balance beam scale over Michele’s sleek little digital scale.

We’ve been having cool weather at night for the past three days or so, and I LOVE it. I am not the kind of person who runs hot, but pregnancy has turned me into a little furnace. I am hot all the time. I don’t bother to stuff a light sweater or scarf in my purse when I go out anymore. I keep the fans on high and the a/c set so low that Brian gets cold. I sit around with ice packs on neck and back, or take one with me to bed. I put ice in my water, which is something I’ve never done in my life. Yesterday I went through an entire tray of ice cubes! It’s weird. Sometimes I feel like I am a completely different person, not necessarily because I am pregnant, but because the experience of being myself often feels totally new in so many ways. Even though I’ve been pregnant for so long now that I’m used to it, I still have these moments when I feel like I am in someone else’s body, or like I am outside myself just observing and it’s like, who is that? ’cause that is not me.

Not much else to report on, pregnancy-wise. I’m doing my darndest to truck through my pre-baby to-do list and am making some progress, albeit more slowly than I’d like. I have more and more of those moments when I catch my reflection in the mirror and am like, DAMN, that is a seriously pregnant woman (yeah, I know I need to post some pictures). Mostly, I’m just really enjoying where I’m at right now. People ask me if I’m ready to go (or “pop,” which is for some reason a favorite word for many), and the answer is decidedly negative. If the babe wants to come now, that’s fine by me, but I’m not so miserable or anxious that I just can’t wait to get him on the outside of my body. Of course I am excited, but I’m happy with the way things are right now and am content to just keep taking things a day at a time.

HypnoBirthing: Meh.

Date: May 20, 2009 • By • Comments 3

We have our fourth HypnoBirthing class tonight, and I am dreading it. I hate that I’m dreading it, but what can I do? So far I’ve been pretty disappointed in the HypnoBirthing classes, though parts of the HypnoBirthing book have been useful (the drawings of the uterus are bomb, and I really like the way the book describes how the muscles of the uterus work during labor). In case you are wondering, my HypnoBirthing classes are focused entirely on hospital births, and are, in my opinion, targeted towards people who are pretty uneducated about birth. They therefore contain a lot of information that is completely not applicable to my situation.  I’m not planning on giving birth in a hospital, already know what I’ll want if for some reason I do get transferred to a hospital, and have already done extensive research on birth, perinatal psychology, and the psychology and physiology of pain. I’ve already seen enough birth videos to last me a lifetime and frankly the HypnoBirth videos freak me out (all the births are in hospitals and the mothers are always laying down – the thought of just laying there through my labor seems like torture to me). In short, I don’t like the class format or the class content. And the class always runs long, like 45 minutes long, which irks me because I am uncomfortable sitting there for that long and am so pissed by the time we get to the relaxation practice at the end that I just want to scream and run out of there.

The most useful thing I’ve learned from the class so far is that I already have some very effective ways to relax myself, and that I don’t need this class to help me do it. So, I guess that’s the real value of the class for me: even more confidence in myself and my ability to know what I need to do in labor to get through it. I am certain that practicing the visualizations that I already use to relax myself would be more effective than attending anymore HypnoBirthing classes, so we’re contemplating calling the instructors and telling them we’d like to opt out of classes 4 and 5. I can think of about a hundred other ways to spend my time that would be more gratifying and productive than sitting there listening to the instructors present a bunch of information I already know, watching irritating birth videos, and being forced to do some lame-ass relaxation that just doesn’t work for me.

(A funny side-note to this post: every time we leave HypnoBirthing class Brian says to me, “I feel so bad for those women that they are going to have their babies in the hospital!” Boy, have I really done a number on him!)

Four Weeks To Go…

Date: May 15, 2009 • By • Comments 0

I’m 36 weeks pregnant today, which means that I am officially “due” in exactly four weeks. It also means that we are good to go with the homebirth (labor prior to 36 weeks means a hospital birth). I know the next four weeks are going to fly by so fast, and I alternately feel really excited and kind of freaked out. I am so excited (SO EXCITED) to meet my baby, but I also feel all !!!! about my list of things to finish up before he arrives. This is amplified by signs we had yesterday that the baby will probably come more like on time rather than late. We called our midwife, who said she was “impressed but not that impressed,” and also, “very good, the more work your body does before labor the less work you’ll need to do during labor.” She also reiterated that I need to eat like it’s my job. I’m doing better on the eating front, getting tons of protein, but still not enough calories. So, I hope my bun stays in the oven long enough for me to get absolutely as fat as possible. I did let him know that if he needs to come early, though, that he’s totally welcome to. While there are still a few items on our shopping list, we have almost all the essentials at this point. If I went into labor right now we would be okay in terms of our supplies (both for the baby and the birth), so that’s a good feeling.

Late pregnancy is a strange time. It’s hard to not constantly be looking forward, thinking about, and preparing for, what’s to come. But just as often, I catch myself really savoring how things are now. It’s so nice to just have our little family of three, I almost want to stretch it out a bit longer. I vacillate between feeling unbelievably eager for the birth of our baby and wanting to stop time right now so I can bask in the happiness of our current situation. I’m sure part of that is just the uncertainty. It’s easy to appreciate how awesome things are now, and I can’t really imagine what they’ll be like after our baby is born. Even though I really (REALLY) want to have a child and am very ready to be a parent, I still spend a lot of time wondering and daydreaming about what it will be like. I guess that’s pretty normal, though.

It may sound silly, but one of my biggest fears about having the baby is that Cooper will somehow feel less loved than he does now. Brian and I constantly talk about how we want Cooper’s life to continue to be as fabulous as possible even after we have a new baby to care for. I get weepy when I think about bringing a new person into our household who will get to go everywhere with us while Cooper will still have to stay home alone sometimes. It just breaks my heart. My Dad keeps reassuring me that the fact that Brian and I are so worried about Cooper’s quality of life post-baby means that it will continue to be awesome, but I still worry and get all emotional about it. The crazy extreme amout of love I have for that dog also concerns me because I know I will be even more crazy in love with our baby. Sometimes I feel like I might just spontaneously combust from the magnitude of all the love in my heart (and yes, I felt like that even before the pregnancy hormones kicked in). How will I ever deal with having all these people I love running around out there in the world where I can’t protect them? I just hope I can manage to remain a sane and reasonable person and not turn into a complete freak when I’m a parent. So far, I am way more laid-back in pregnancy than I’ve ever been before…let’s hope this trend continues once the baby is actually on the outside of my body!

35 Weeks Pregnant and I'm…

Date: May 7, 2009 • By • Comments 4

Everyone seems to want to know one thing lately: Am I ready for the baby? The short answer is: NO.

I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed and stressed because there is still so much to do before he arrives. My list of things that need doing:

  1. buy baby stuff (all we have are the carseat, stroller, and as of today, a dresser)
  2. upgrade our life insurance
  3. get disability insurance (in my mind, this will mean we never need it)
  4. set up a trust for our assets (our wills are outdated and a trust is a better option for us now)
  5. a million other things that would totally bore you if I listed them out

In addition to feeling like where will I ever find the time/energy to get on top of things in the next 5 weeks, I’m also feeling like a big (or possibly small, depending on how you look at it) failure because I only gained .7 pounds in the last two weeks. I forgot to chant “Gain weight! Gain weight!” to myself when I was eating and look what happened. I knew I was not consuming enough food, but I naively thought I was doing at least a little better in terms of caloric intake than I had previously. The increase in the size of my belly helped give me a false sense of security; it is so much larger than it was two weeks ago that I was sure I’d put on the 2 pounds Michele had ordered me to gain. Turns out my belly is bigger because the baby has packed on some serious weight (estimate is around 1.5 lbs for him over the past 2 weeks) and is still growing fabulously. That fact coupled with the fact that I basically didn’t gain anything is really bad news. Really bad news made worse by the discovery of ketones in my urine. I know you read this site because you want to know about my urine, so I’m going to tell you all about it. Ketones are a byproduct of the breakdown of fatty tissue. Ketones in the urine basically means that fatty tissue is being broken down in the body. In my case, it means that I am not taking in enough calories for both me and the baby, so he is breaking down my body to get what he needs. Thank god babies are efficient parasites, and that mine seems to be especially efficient, but man, this sucks.

I think it’s important to take a minute here to explain why this lack of weight gain is so bad, especially since we are conditioned to think that being thin, even in pregnancy, is like the greatest thing ever. Women need to store fat during pregnancy for two reasons: 1) to keep up their energy level, and 2) because they will really need it for breastfeeding. Caloric needs for breastfeeding women are even higher than for pregnant women (an extra 600 calories a day compared to 300 per day for preggies). It’s nearly impossible for most breastfeeding moms to get enough calories for two reasons: 1) that’s a lot of extra calories, and 2) they’re busy taking care of their new babies. This is why breastfeeding is directly related to losing the baby weight–the baby literally eats it away! Anyway, if a woman doesn’t store enough fat during pregnancy she will feel more tired both during pregnancy and after the baby’s born, and she may also run into problems with her milk supply. The body needs energy to produce milk, and those pregnancy fat stores are a great source of energy. If a breastfeeding mom isn’t taking in all the calories needed to sustain her and support milk production, her body can rely on fat stores to help out. Since we’ve already discussed how hard it is to actually consume the requisite amount of calories for breastfeeding, it’s easy to see how low fat stores can become a real problem for a breastfeeding mom.

But wait, it gets better! In addition to the overall lack of calories in my diet, a review of my diet records revealed that I don’t eat anywhere near as great as I thought I did. Too much fruit (Hello, sugar! Michele’s words were, “Girl, you are begging for a yeast infection.”), and nowhere near enough protein and fat. I hadn’t really looked at my diet records but when we went over them I was pretty horrified. I ate a lot better before I was pregnant than I do now. I can blame several things for this, including the heat (saps my energy so that eating well is just too much damn effort, also makes me only want to eat fruit or other cold/wet things like popsicles), general third trimester fatigue, pickiness, and rigid ideas about food and eating habits. To my detriment, I am one of those people who will often just not eat if the available foods either don’t match up with my appetite in that moment or don’t satisfy my requirements for what I feel I should be eating.

I’ve realized now that all the old rules don’t apply anymore. I think I’ve mentioned menu planning on this site before; we plan our lunches and dinners every week and then shop based on the meals we’re fixing. This is not a flawed strategy in itself, but my ideas about how the menu should be constructed are in need of major revision. I used to feel that we should alternate carnivorous days and vegetarian days for both variety and budgetary reasons. At this point, having 2-3 vegetarian days a week is just a dumb idea. I need the protein, fat, and calories that come from eating a lot of animal foods on a daily basis. Vegetarians may wish to argue this point. True, vegetables have protein. But the fact is, animal foods have more (a lot more), and are also a better source of fat and calories overall. And since I’m certainly in no danger of overloading on protein, fat, or calories, I think it makes sense to base my diet on the densest sources of these nutrients. Part of this strategy has been to throw my dairy restrictions out the window. I’m sensitive, so this means I now suffer with more congestion than when I wasn’t eating dairy products, but it’s worth it to get the protein, fat, and calories. Generally speaking, I used to try so hard to do everything “right” that I made things very difficult. I need to come to grips with the fact that cooking every single thing from scratch for every meal is not practical and does me more harm than good when I opt to just not eat or to eat something like an apple or a handful of tortilla chips instead of a more nutrient-dense food because of the work involved in preparing the nutrient-dense food.

All of this is to say: I need to step it up, big time. I could go on about the specifics, but really I just need to stop kidding myself and start making my diet my #1 priority. I’ve got 5 weeks until my due date, which is an estimate, I know, but I am really hoping to keep this bun in the oven at least that long so that I have a chance to gain as much weight as possible. My goal is 10 pounds over the next 5 weeks…

33 Weeks Pregnant and I'm…Small

Date: April 24, 2009 • By • Comments 1

I had a check-up with my midwife and her apprentice yesterday, and found out that I only gained two pounds in the last month. I should have gained twice that, or even a little more since I was so petite before I got pregnant. The good news is that the baby is growing just great, he’s right on target in terms of his size. But, it would be better for my energy level, and would be very helpful when I start breastfeeding, if I could pack on more pounds (especially fat pounds!) before the birth. So, we had to have a little heart to heart about my diet and exercise routines. The midwife made several recommendations I didn’t want to hear, but her logic makes sense and I want to do what’s best for me and the baby even if that is not what I originally planned on doing.

First off, I was told I have to quit CrossFit because it burns too many calories, and because she thinks the activity could worsen my abdominal diastasis. Have we talked about the diastasis yet? Basically, the two halves of the outermost layer of my abdominal muscles (the rectus abdominus, best known for looking like a “six-pack” when well-developed) have started to split apart from one another. This is common in pregnancy, it almost always heals up after the baby’s born, and most people don’t even notice when/if it happens. I, however, have been acutely aware of the separation because mine’s a little larger than normal, and because it hurts! This is the price I must pay for having very toned abs pre-pregnancy. I know. Everyone wishes they could have this problem.

So, I broke up with my CrossFit coach this morning, and will stick to the very specific activity limits the midwife prescribed to try to slow my speedy metabolism and get my body to store more fat. I thought I was storing fat! My ass is way bigger and squishier than it’s ever been, and every time I look at it in the mirror I feel proud of my body for knowing how to be pregnant. Apparently what I perceive as a fat ass is, in fact, not. I know. Everyone wishes they could have this problem, too.

Along with limiting my activity, I also need to seriously increase my caloric intake. I knew this, though. For some reason eating has given me the hardest time since I’ve been pregnant. Even though I’m not sick like I was early on, I still have some food aversions and am just pickier than normal. I know I haven’t been eating enough, but it’s been really hard to force myself to eat more. I start to feel ill whenever my blood sugar drops and then often feel nauseous when I do eat, both of which make eating kind of a pain and not something I’m really interested in. Plus, it’s hot here, which definitely decreases the appetite.

In order to get on top of this eating every two hours thing we’re using the air conditioning more (so I don’t get overheated and lose my appetite), and I’m logging my food to keep me on track with eating frequently. My food logs are actually due to the the midwife at my next appointment in two weeks so she can see what I’m eating and how much. She suspects that my diet is too clean and that I need to load up on french fries, ice cream, burgers, milkshakes, etc. She is probably right. When we left her office we went to Hyde Park Bar & Grill and got burgers, fries, and some wickedly delicious peach-buttermilk cake that was served in a pool of fresh cream. So tasty, and satisfying in a way that our quinoa and bean salads are just NOT. The downside was that I wasn’t hungry again for hours, but the upside was that it got me thinking about ways to revise our weekly menus and grocery shopping to get more calories in my body.

Oh! And the last thing I was told I need to do? Everytime I eat I’m supposed to say to myself, “Gain weight! Gain weight!” in an effort to capitalize on the mind-body connection. There are many reasons why I am so much happier with a midwife than I would be with a doctor, but that piece of advice might just top the list!

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